MY QUESTION to you is, “Are you fully insured?” Let me first declare that I am not working for Prudential Metlife or similar insurance company so I will not try to sell you a policy. However, I am concerned that you may not be covered for all events.

 

You may well reply that if you have life, auto, medical and homeowners insurance, you need not worry. That’s what I thought until I read in a celebrity magazine that film star Julia Roberts insured her lips for 10 million dollars and actor Tom Selleck insured his face for 15 millions. Similarly, Dolly Parton, known as a country singer, insured her 42", you know what, for $600,000. (Hmm, I did not know the voice box was located there. So that’s why men are obsessed with those assets; they are wondering how good the owner will sing). Susana Alves, a Brazilian Playboy model, had her physical attributes, including her rear end, insured for $2.0million, thereby providing a practical illustration of the term "cover you’re a..".

 

All these instances have got me worried. I do not possess million dollar lips and certainly not a million dollar face, but when it comes to ears, I am very proud of my two mug handles. (My schoolteacher was always pulling on those, I thought she was being mean, but actually she was only making those strong). That boxer who has fallen from glory, Mike Tyson, is in town; what if I pass by him in New York City. Surely, the sight of my ears would make him drool. Even a good boxer like Evander Holyfield could not stop him from taking a few tasty bites as an appetiser. In my case, he would happily make my ears the main course. So I definitely need Tyson insurance.

 

I also read that tennis champ, Pete Sampras, insured his elbow, and the baseball player, Randy Johnson, insured his pitching arm, while a noted soccer player insured his kicking leg. Now you can guess what former President Bill Clinton must have insured! Well, I do not know what you were thinking, but the answer should be obvious; I was referring to his voice, which tends to get hoarse. If he lost his voice, how would he have given all those inspiring speeches? Talking of presidents, we all know at least one who could have used a ‘WMD Assurance Policy’. This policy would kick in, if you invaded a country looking for WMDs and found none; it would then ensure that some were planted there and found.

 

Some people buy insurance for aliens, you know, those green creatures from outer space with antennas sprouting from their heads. At first, this did not worry me. The only aliens I ever met were fairly pleasant and harmless people from Asia, Africa, Europe, etc. They had no antennae and they were not green. However, I often heard them talking about a green card. Perhaps this is an electronic chip, which they use every night to revert to their true green selves, I do not know.

 

So much for the world at large. Besides the outside world, there are many perils at home and at the office. At home, I would like to have angry spouse insurance. Any time I forget my wife’s birthday or anniversary, this would kick in and provide me with a safe place for 24 hours, preferably with 2" steel doors.

 

How about in-law insurance? Anytime your in-laws become insufferable, they could be declared out-laws. They could then be offered transportation to their choice of Alcatraz or Sing-sing Prison, with free lodging for 20 years. For a slightly higher premium, weekly beatings by Nassau County jailers would be included. Under the Deluxe policy, three NYC policemen would provide some tender loving care.

 

Still another good one would be teenage child insurance. As soon as your child starts misbehaving, he or she would be taken away till they reached the age of 20 yrs, ie out of their teens.

 

In the office, we should have mean boss insurance. There have been many occasions in the past where I could have used it. It would keep replacing your supervisor, till you got one with a good temperament.