Why the hell are we not happy? Why the hell are we stuffed with the emotions that we are so ashamed of admitting and expressing? What is the meaning of this life? This is the question I asked someone lately but was asked another question in answer to it which was, ‘Why are you looking for such answers’? Well I guess, I did not receive the answer for either of the two reasons – may be this question wasn’t worth an answer and I am just a madman looking for one or he did not have an answer for it. It would be nice to know if it was the latter.
I was watching a movie last night. There’s one dialogue that got stuck in my mind. It was like, ‘When you cannot change the situation, you are forced to change yourself’. I find it so true, so relevant in my own context and I guess it would hold true for many of us, if I may say so or imagine so. (It would be a comforting thought that I am not the only one thinking like this.) I feel this is what we all do, though there will be a few like me who are unable to come to terms with it that easily. But when I think of this I remember another line said by my friend that I mentioned about earlier at the beginning, ‘Do I have a choice?
Quite rightly said as he already knew the answer. I knew the answer too and it was ‘no’. Though there may be some extra zealous people who would cry out loud about faith and hope and other stuff. Well, this extra dose of optimism does not work very well with many people. Yes, Yes.....Please like me is what I meant. We do not have a choice, do we? Or maybe we do.....or maybe we don’t. It’s really confusing but ‘no’ is more evident than ‘yes’.
I guess, what we are doing is just trying to survive against all odds that we face every single day. Will this end some day? Will life be simpler some day? Will we find an answer to my question some day or would it never be worth an answer?
The things we want, we love are often beyond our reach. We try to extend our arms but are afraid to move...take the step. No, I am not trying to sound optimistic as I am not. ‘Let’s be practical about it’ is what I hear most often nowadays. But again the same question arises, do I have a choice. May be no, I don’t. I ask myself, why did it happen to me. I am sure many of us do, or may have asked some time or the other. What is that went wrong? I had the best intentions then why did it happen to me? There would never be an answer, never. Is life worth living or if I may dare to say, worth surviving? Is this how we are supposed to live (survive). Well the answer would be, let’s be practical about it.
Don’t you think we have been subjected to something that should not have been practiced in the first place? We hide behind the cloak of practicality to conceal our weaknesses, to conceal the shame that we bear on our face and the pain in our heart. Emotions are what make us human, if there’s any humanity left in us or maybe we have just become ball bearings and have fitted ourselves in this so called ‘practical’ system.
We watch these ‘feel good’ Hollywood movies and for some small time feel liberated, mesmerized in the perfectness of the world being shown on the screen. We picture ourselves in there somewhere in the midst of the perfectness, the bliss and get lost in it for a couple of hours. We smile with watery eyes all along and become a spectator than a viewer. I am sorry for using ‘we’ if you do not comprehend with me. At least I feel this way. Lines come to mind that I dare not scribble on the paper as that might bring me back to reality. I just want myself to be drowned in that bliss for as long as it lasts. Even after everything is over and I have even watched the rolling credits (you may call me a fool for doing this, I mean, watching rolling credits. Yeah, I know...who does that....I guess I do.) my mind continues floating in the same stream for as long as it can and I just don’t shake off the thought of the perfectness with some practical notion of that being just fiction, as it brings me comfort. I am not sure how many are there who feel or think alike. I would however love to know that I am not alone. (Yes, I know, I repeated that.)
I even feel a shift in emotions. Thoughts linger on my mind about what could have been. There are so many ‘ifs’ in our lives. (Yes, I again used the plural. I will do that, just bear with me.) If I would have done this, if would have done that, if it was only for him or her, if it hasn’t been like this or that......So many ‘ifs’ that we think about. But what do we do about it? After may be an hour of reflection we shake off the thought and get busy surviving, get busy breathing. Do we even think about being happy? Just happy...nothing more....nothing less, just happy. If only I have been happy, I might have had a chance at actually living rather than just breathing.
We want something and can’t have it, we compromise. We want something and asked to refrain from it, we sacrifice. We need something to be satisfied with but we wouldn’t dare to think about that because that just might upset some people in that ‘elite list’ of ours. So, what do we do, we sacrifice hoping that things might change some day. Someday.....but definitely not today, definitely not for us. Maybe the next generation of people would be better. We would make them better and forbid them from drawing inspiration from our lives. Does this thought bring any comfort? I guess, no - but we try to make ourselves comfortable with this notion.
But you know what, things never change, might never would. We live in an imperfect world. Make your small perfect world for yourself, a world that might exist within this world that we crib about so much and rightly so, but stay aloof from its imperfectness. That little world would make you happy, give you a purpose, teach you to dream and be content. You may only hope that it could even teach you to live. Yes that sounded optimistic. It’s just the idealism within me that made me write this. But you know what, idealism is not that bad. I believe it’s a good thing.
At the end, all you folks and you...yes you....my friend may be confused as what I meant by this ranting. What did you get to know spending five minutes of your life reading this? No message whatsoever. To that I can only say that this piece of writing is as foggy as my mind or rather our minds and as simple and clear as my conscience.