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'Give me Blood I will give you GDP': An Independence Day satire from a pained citizen
With apologies to Subhash Chandra Bose, this is what the Indian Prime Minister's address from the ramparts of the Red Fort on the occasion of Independence Day 2013 sounded like to millions of countrymen. Or was it a figment of my imagination?

My dear minorities, corrupts, and half dead, I greet you all on this anniversary of our Independence.

The leaders of our freedom movement, under the stewardship of Mahatma Gandhi, had dreamt of an independent and prosperous India. On this day in 1947, Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru took the first step towards the realization of that dream and celebrated the partition by hoisting the Tricolour at the Red Fort. The journey we began on 15 August, 1947 is now 65 years old. We have achieved much as far as corruption and treachery is concerned in these 65 years. But, we would achieve independence in the true sense only when we are able to banish poor and hungry from our country. For that we need GDP. (Greed over dead and patriotism)

You are aware that these days the global economy is passing through a difficult phase. The pace of economic growth has come down in all countries of the world. Even Italy is not growing. Our country has also been affected by these adverse external conditions. We cannot do much about the conditions that prevail outside our country. But we must make every effort to resolve the problems inside our country so that our economic growth and the creation of employment opportunities in the country are again speeded up.

My bosses have concluded that following two points needs to be focussed.

  1. Corruption

  2. Terror

Of the two, the first point is under direct control of my bosses and I have been instructed to tackle the second one under their guidance.

We have seen good growth of terror across country. But even Naxal, Islamic and other kind of terror has not been still able to cover all of India. Around 20% of districts are still untouched by any terror activity. Though we are trying to encourage Hindu Terrorism, it is not growing as per our expectation. My seniors have often talked about it but nothing much has happened in that direction so far. There is a problem with half dead and it is hindering the growth.

My Government will focus on Terror in the coming year and we hope to do a little better. Every terror activity in India gives me a peaceful sleep. After all terror activity helps in the overall economic growth of India. My slogan is “Give me Blood I will give you GDP”.

Every terror activity adds to India’s GDP and gives an immediate boost to the economic growth. Let’s look at terror activity contribution to Indian economy, step by step:

  • It reduces population.

  • Family, relatives of dead, get rich by insurance and compensation money. If they are poor they move up the poverty ladder.

  • The family, relatives, friends get media footage.

  • terror activity have moved to 2.0 from 1.0; i.e. some are getting luckier twice because of Bomb blast 2.0; i.e. loosing family members second time, which means assured source of income.

  • News Channels, portals, newspapers, magazines; viewership/ readership goes up instantly which means increase in the advertising revenue; which leads to more consumption i.e. more GDP (My letter a day, terror friendly, anti majority Nobel Laureate too endorses this model)

  • Mobile companies sell more handsets and make more money on uses of SMS, Twitter etc.

  • Places of terror activity become tourist spot; don’t believe me; just checkout some of the Cafes etc.

  • More terror activity attract FDI (Foreign Direct Investment) in terms of insurance, mobile, medical and media companies.

  • FDI also happens in the area of social entrepreneurship i.e. more unaccounted funds come for the human right organisations for terrorist and safety of minority community.

  • . Family members become speakers, join political parties, address seminars, write books, meet Madam. (There are unfortunate exceptions like Paramveer Late Sub Inspector Tukaram Ombale’s family.)

 

With all these the other source of growth which is under direct supervision of my bosses i.e. corruption also gets boost. People’s attention gets diverted from scams, price rise and to top it creates more avenues for corruption in the name of sourcing equipments to control terror.

To give boost to terror activity as well as FDI, I am inviting Indian Mujaheedin, Lasker e Toyaba, ISI, Naxals, etc. get listed in the Stock Exchange. As intelligence agencies have often said that they have invested money in Indian stock exchange already. We are going to regularise it, just like we are in the process of legalising betting and rape. There are some guidelines being frames to promote the shares of terror companies; like number of shares one holds of these organisations will be directly proportional to his secular ranking and creditworthiness in the society.

There is good news for those who have lost family members in terror activity; they will get preferential allotment (provided terrorists agree to it). This will encourage more people to die in terror activity. I don’t need to mention again, as I have always mentioned that minorities will have first right on these shares.

For creating a conducive environment for terror activity, we must also control security forces. This would pose some difficulty because of Narendra Modi. However, we have taken many measures to deal with the situation. We have created rift between IB and CBI, Army and Paramilitary forces.

I promise to you today that our Government will work hard for India’s rapid economic growth and for shielding the country from the effects of the global economic slowdown. I promise that we will work hard for creation of new terror outfits. It will provide employment opportunities for our young men and women living in villages and cities. We will make every possible effort to release captured terrorist and accused’s at the earliest. We will leave no stone unturned to encourage terror activity in our country so that our terrorists can make a substantial contribution to our economy. I believe that this will be not difficult. We should be encouraged by the fact that we have achieved extraordinary successes in terror activity in many parts of India. We now need to replicate these successes in newer areas. No praise is high enough for our hard working terrorists.

But you must remember that because of our Government's efforts only terrorists can do bomb blasts any where any time in this country.

We want to create uniform job opportunities for our youth in the coming years. To achieve this it is necessary that we train all of them in skills which our economy needs i.e. terror activity. It is our endeavour to put in place a system in which training facilities are available in many new forms of terror activities. We also wish to provide short duration training courses of 6 weeks to 6 months for our young terrorists. The National Skill Development Council has formulated a major scheme for skill development in which crores of people will be trained in the next 5 years. This is an ambitious scheme which can be implemented only through a specialized agency of the Central Government, owned by Damadji. Therefore, we are considering the establishment of a National Skill Development Authority so that skill development programmes all over the country can be implemented in a coordinated manner. We would also need contribution from the seculars and human right people in this work. We will be providing loans at zero interest rates to lakhs of terrorists to make bombs.

We want to create a system in which money from Government schemes - pension for old terrorists, - can be credited directly into their bank accounts. This would reduce inconvenience to the terrorists, make it easy for them to receive payment and increase transparency. For this work, we will take help from the Taliban.

We will make only one condition to terrorist; they can’t do bomb blast in minority area.

I am happy to state that during the last 1 year we have achieved good progress in this area.

Today I would like to reassure our minorities, corrupt, and half dead, that our armed forces and paramilitary forces are prepared to face no challenge. The Government will continue to create more scams in the name of modernizing these forces and providing them with nothing.

Our Government believes that the difficult problems which India faces can be resolved only with the terror activity. I believe that no power in the world can stop our country from going to new depths.

Everyone loves terror activity like Bomb Blast; it’s proof is that they keep voting secular government back into power.

Dear children join me in saying:

Give me Blood, I will give you GDP.”

(Caution: The above article is a work of fiction. Readers are advised not to confuse the PM’s Speech here in the article as being genuine and true)

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