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Life Mantra
Anu Goel
The personal is political 19 February, 2016
It is strange how a single small incident can go on to shake the very beliefs that encompass your life and you stand there wondering whether the foundation of modernity and liberty you thought your life was built on was just a mirage in your amateur, naive mind.
At the blooming age of 17, I was standing in front of my parents, unable to understand the so-called problem that they were relating to me. All semblance of logic and common sense seemed to be crumbling down in my otherwise liberal household.

The case was such, that school was coming to an end and I had wanted to go out for a movie, "Ek Villain" with four of my friends. The turn of events was such that the only other girl (apart from me) in our group had to back out at the last moment. I had certainly not forseen this as a problem since the other three guys were childhood friends of mine, whom my parents knew well.

My family was one that always gave priority to education/career over marriage, individual choices over the norms, personal choice of right and wrong over social constructs etc. Hence you can imagine my shock at my parents unwillingness to let me out when they were informed about the situation.

When I asked them the reason for this refusal, they replied by saying, that it wasn't the guys I was going with that was a problem but that a darkened movie hall where other guys were present seemed dangerous to them. I stood there, my voice choking with indignant rage as I knew that this was just an excuse.

My parents had always had faith in me and being a very broad minded family, there was not a part of me that they were not aware of. Finally, finding my voice I put to them the fact that had their reason for not letting me go for the movie been the same that they were stating, they wouldn't have allowed me to go out for movies with my girl friends as it would have been a more vulnerable juncture then. After a whole evening of heated discussions and logical arguments, my parents relented. I was lucky to have pragmatic parents who were ready to hear me out.

In times like today, when patriarchy is criticised, I often find a lot of people commenting that women are not as oppressed as they used to be, and that is true, the society has come a long way in considering wife-beating, female infanticide, dowry, etc, a crime, but I wish to enquire whether the prevention of physical violence is enough to conclude that oppression has ceased, for, is emotional and mental control not a form of subjugation and suppression?

Now one might say that actually no mental/emotional oppression exists. The speaker if it were a man would say so because he has not experienced this himself and hence such problems are absent to his mind. If the speaker is a woman, she has clearly internalised such oppression and does not see them as wrong. If such people are reading this article, they might feel aggravated at having been assigned under such 'prepostrous' categories for which, I would like to draw their attention to an example so that you may understand my argument.

During the time of colonisation, only an Indian would understand the oppression because for the Britishers, it was a civilising mission. Thus if you see it in imperialist terms, women being satisfied with just penalising physical violence would be equivalent to Indians being satisfied with dominion status under the British Raj.

I have come across girls who are subjects of patriarchy. The forms in which it manifests itself however might be different. In some cases, brothers and sisters are treated differently, in others a girl is judged by her relatives for maybe going out at night or for the kind of clothes she wears. In some places she is made to understand that career and ambition are not a woman's prerogative but cooking and cleaning are.

She is told that being adjusting and self sacrificing are traits that a girl is born with and is interpellated to think about and give priority to 'the husband and the child' even before a suitable groom is 'picked' out for her. I for one, don't know how to cook and at one point of time in my life, I used to admit this fact with an apologetic air.

A guy, on the other hand, was never subjected to this question and even if his answer was in affirmative, it was met with an air of treating it as a bonus by the listener, not a necessity but the idea that he was doing the world a favour. The most cliched and oft occurring yet one of the saddest and most humiliating predicaments that practically every girl faces is that of being molested by a cousin, an uncle, a distant relative or some random person she meets on the street.

This happens not once but multiple times and the victim keeps silent from fear of being publicly shamed or scolded for not having been careful. And fellow readers this is not a story of just the rural areas but urban sophisticated areas as well.

I would also like to point out to any incensed male reader, in case he feels that this article propounds male bashing, that in the whole of the article, I have addressed people with inflexible mindsets whether they be men, women, etc. knowing well that patriarchy cannot achieve such glory by being perpetrated by only one section of the society.

Lastly my appeals go out to 3 types of people, first of them being the women out there who might not be the direct victims of patriarchy because of comparatively liberal households. I request them to consider that just because they are not the victims doesn't mean that the problems don't exist. Their duty is to recognise that they are the exception and not the rule and as such staying cocooned in their own lives would not be enough because someday these very problems would come back to haunt them in some form or another.

The second type of people are the men who are intelligent and humble enough to accept the reality and work towards making the society a more equal one. As for the third type, these are the most important set of people as these are the girls or women who are being victimised. If my reader is one of these girls, I beg you to raise a voice and object, either through your actions or through your words because you are not alone and this is not right.

If you think that being a silent, submissive victim would be the best course of action because then these difficulties would pass, then you're wrong. It would not only ruin your lives but destroy the lives of the daughters of the upcoming generations as well.

Thus break free from those age old fetters that bind your mind and try to restrict your individuality. Do this because you are a significant part of the whole. Do this because the personal is political.

The article is jointly written by Anu Goel (Counselling Psychologist) & by Oindrila Gupta

Editorial NOTE: This article is categorized under Opinion Section. The views expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of In case you have a opposing view, please click here to share the same in the comments section.
About The Author
Mrs. ANU GOEL is a Counselling Psychologist. She has practiced in Mumbai for 5 years, and is currently practicing in Delhi since the last 7 years. Goel, who can be contacted at 9313320146 and, is a member of the Counsellor's Association of India, and has been a guest speaker on several occasions.
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