What other experience could be compared to having a chocolate? Just picture it - you pop a sweet delectable baby in your mouth. Bang! Your taste buds are set alight, you lavish the sensations of melted chocolate on your tongue, you savour it all for hours, drip it all over your body, lick it off your finger tips, caress it.
As one woman puts it “chocolate provides guaranteed pleasure.”
And not a monosyllabic, salivating, Neanderthal in sight.
Apparently, the vibrating tongue gives you a lot more bang for your bucks girls.
Don’t say I didn’t tell you. I have no idea how I knew that.
We say – buy a big box of truffles, and eat them slowly.
Now I’m sure you know the main reason for this? The cause of all this frustration – is that Tarzan climaxed before Jane.
Hmmm…who would have guessed.
Let’s face it. Men and women aren’t compatible. Men play video games and leave the seat up, women can’t read maps and need shopping to de-stress.
In the boudoir it’s the same. He wants it hot and fast, she wants it slow and luxurious. 15 minutes (if you’re lucky ladies!) it’s over, he’s fast asleep, and she’s reaching for the chocolate scented rampant rabbit with the flashing lights.
As is rightly put here, “After 15 years of marriage, they finally achieved sexual compatibility. They both had a headache.”(Anon)
The clitoris has three times more nerve endings (a whopping 8000) than it’s male counterpart, she’s multi-orgasmic and gives you the silent treatment when she’s in a mood.
Give up while you’re ahead.
Based on data collected circa 1953 – 95 per cent of masturbation sessions result in orgasm.
Woody Allen says, “ Masturbation. Don’t knock it, it’s sex with someone you love”
“Everyone thinks that I’m a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I’d rather read a book,” says Madonna.
Seventy six per cent of women felt that men were uninformed about their desires and their bodies.
Well gentleman, now really is the time to ask for directions. Don’t know your spark plug from your ignition switch? Drop your head in shame, and head straight for the library.
“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.” (Les Dawson)
Seventy eight per cent of women preferred caressing and foreplay to sex, while 83 per cent of men felt that foreplay was the prelude to sex.
Find a gay masseur ladies. He’s manly, a perfectionist, got great hands – not to mention lovely nails, and is up to date with the hottest fashion trends. What more could you ask for!
“A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man.” (Mignon McLaughlin)
Sex is dead.
Long live chocolate and and late night shopping.
Not to mention Coach handbags and Jimmy Choos.