Elders feel left out much more than any of us do because they are already alien to the latest gadgets, lingos, dress and life-style. How many of us take a few minutes off to chat with that wizened face that wistfully looks at us when we come home?

The most obvious reply would be –“To the best of our abilities.” A fine statement from an ideal parent-loving progeny. But there lurks an unacknowledged factor of selfishness in it. An ego that seeks to redeem itself, hoping to repay debts we owe our parents. A selfishness that seeks to retire whispering to itself, “I have done what any parent could have ever wished for, from their off-springs.”
So then, what is the right way?

Our history is replete with stories of how people have served their parents. As an inquisitive ten year old, I had listened to an engaging play aired by the All India Radio (AIR). The old, quaking voice of Yayathi asking his son Puru to exchange old age for youth wafts across decades, haunting me. It had confused me then that a father could put his needs before that of his young son. I believed that it was unbecoming of parents to ask for anything more than to be looked after in their old age! What confused me further was the young Puru obliging to take on his father’s old age! “Would I do that for daddy?” I had asked myself many an unsettling night. “Where does my duty begin and end?”


Shravana Kumara advanced the degree of devotion from an obligatory duty to a self-imposed commitment. The Amar Chitrakatha visuals of Shravan Kumara hoisting his blind parents on a balance over his shoulder and taking them on a pilgrimage is bound to leave a lasting impression on every child’s mind.


Have the parental and social expectations changed over ages or have the indifference and selfishness of progeny fuelled the resentment of the senior population?


The possible solution lies not in doing what we think is right for them but in identifying their wants and trying to respect them. The clever phrase ’sar utah ke jeeyo’ is exactly their anthem as they get to the sixth decade. They love to savour the freedom that life has to offer them now, after all the years of dredging, raising and educating children, balancing finances and paying off loans. They would now love to pursue their own interests, which they have been putting off ’for later’ all these years. Post-retirement is actually the best time to pursue a hobby!


As children of such responsible citizens, we must learn to identify their basic wish to remain unrestricted, be empathising when they wish to either stay by themselves or live with us. Staying by themselves does not mean the end of a relationship. Indulge them. Let them be on their own while you keep a watchful eye on them. Don’t you remember how they always watchrd you in that open-air party, looking out for you as you played on that swing or seesaw? Just do that to them. Let them run their own lives, but be ever watchful when they falter or fall sick.


Some others, on the contrary, may wish to stay with their children. The reasons could be financial, loneliness, ill health or social. Resenting this decision hurts them hardest because they are unable to comprehend why. After all, they have uncomplainingly raised you.


Making them feel wanted in the household drives away their depression and solitude. It is easy to ignore a quiet, unobtrusive granddad or grandmom with the excuse of the generation gap. Elders feel left out much more than any of us do because they are already alien to the latest gadgets, lingos, dress and life-style. How many of us take a few minutes off to chat with that wizened face that wistfully looks at us when we come home? Do we care if she understands our world? If our parents have ignored our mis-steps, mis-spellings and misbehaviour, would we have turned out to be what we are today? Lend your ears to her ailments or advice, hold her wrinkled hands and give a unhesitant squeeze.


Tell her about your day, unmindful of how much she can comprehend of your jazzy life, if only to make her feel wanted.


Old people are branded ‘cranky.’ Attribute it to the dementia (the slow process of degeneration of brain) and try to forget when they admonish or complain. Just recall how many sleepless nights you gave them, how they braved your tantrums or juvenile delinquencies uncomplainingly. They just forgave.


There is a spacious old age home, tucked away in the distant corner of my locality, away from the happening world-literally and figuratively. Increasingly accepted by both the generations, yet old age homes cannot hide the obvious - the mood of helplessness, solitude and social repeal that hangs heavily within its premises.


Many of our homes may have a cupboard - an ornate one that we were bequeathed. Now used as a safe for our priceless inheritances. You open the cupboard, savour the wealth and pat yourself for physically preserving it well. Spare a moment. By locking them on nameless shelves, you are only gently telling them that they are actually no longer necessary in your life. That’s the best old age homes. Lovingly telling them of their importance in your life.


Old age is an inescapable chapter waiting at the end of our physical, mental and financial faculties. We must not make it any more unbearable or humiliating to our elders. We must make amends before it is too late and we find ourselves at the threshold of senescence and our children then turn out to be the models we were for them!