Rajashree Gupta | 07 Nov 2013

This is a story based on the relation between three best friends

Letters Rajashree Gupta This maniac was defined as a person who liked to write love letters. Yes- a frustrated young lady of twenty-five, who thought someone would fall for her plot. But we will think of her as a maniac and not a plot maker! I was going through some of her letters. She did know a lot of people I would say, but writing letters- that to convey her love for everyone she met, that is a disease! I am putting the letters in a chronological order with the most recent one’s first. She did write some of them well. As an example: - ‘Dear Richard, Beneath the clear blue sky, I lie not to see the sky but to imagine the love that your blue eyes could have hold for me. People say I am mad, but I let my madness let me imagine the life I could have had with you. The perfectness that only true love can define. I sit to write this letter, to at least let you know before I go to the hospital that you would be my last love. I hope I find my love after meeting you. “A soul that is defined by the eternal plight of whom to love is a soul that has life” – at least my soul has broken free of that plight, of that search that made it bondage. The walk in the crowded New York street in the dark night must have been so common to you- so natural that you would not have realized what went through my mind in the same walk. The mind that always imagined a secluded place – away from the rush, away from the stream of people that floods your life each day. My imagination took me to that place- that quietness that helps me think of my love. This imagination took me out of the jealousy that resides in me when I see the happily married couple, when I hear of my friends talk about their perfect love. That is when I thought of you. What if, you were my love- the person God meant to be with me? Probably through my craziness, I forgot to see you. See the life that could have been our’s. Richard- many people would shy from themselves, shy from the emotion they hold. “But to let your soul breath through your mouth” is what I thought would happen when I talk to you. Tell you about the feelings that I hold. About my fear of not seeing what is meant for me – the life defined with you. What if you belief a one percent of what I said- what if you have that one percent feeling for me. Not because of how I look, not because of my family- but for what I am-a dreamer who had the courage to dream about you out of her own crazy world, courage to let you know. **“Love- An incompleteness till unachieved or an emotion that resides till over taken by another emotion”** To introduce myself, I am psychiatrist- Dr Archibald Livinghood. My recent case is of Miss Juliet- a lady who has a habit of being over loving- in psychiatric world its called-“ “. I was going through her file now and the letters that she had written. Getting the letters were my first hurdle in her case. I had to talk to her friends, find out about her relationship with others. Meeting some, made me think that they used her beauty to satisfy their needs. Not as a friend, not as lover, but just as a “body taker”!! I felt at some point that they needed treatment more than her- the people who used her illness to satisfy their want. Actually, some loved her true. However, she could not stick to her love- that is what her illness is about. I know of it. By now you must be thinking, this is the usual story- the doctor treating patient, patient falling in love with doctor and then them living happily ever after. I wish I could say that this is what the story is about- it isn’t. I know Juliet from before- she was my girlfriend from her college days and the second most important thing in my life- after my self, my career, my ego and my other important things. I was the second important thing in her life- after her career, hobbies and many more important things!! I did not belief in her life, of what she had done to herself after we parted. My wife- and Juliet’s once upon a time best friend told me about her. My wife requested I take her case up. I did. Juliet’s other letter- “Dear Rupert, How was the Halloween without me? In the midst of your partying, did you forget the lovely moments that we spend in Paris? The twenty-four hours meant so less to us- in the midst of our love making nights. The day turned from one to the other, with us losing track of time but never losing the rhythm of love. I thought of you day after the other- when we parted. I wish I could hold on to the pace that was ours. However, I understand you had to leave for America for your work. I thought at least you would call me, or drop me a letter. However, how does it matter? After the days that have gone- I felt like I met my actual love. Can you imagine, I actually missed you and not the body that loved me? That’s the reason I sat down to write to you. The Paris days were made perfect by you- and my life. I think I am in love- in love after all these years and rapid relationships. I wish I could tell you when I meet you- but then when can we meet? Will you make my life perfect? **What is it that makes the life perfect- is it love, money or passion? ** This letter is just an extract of the letter Juliet wrote to Rupert. I came to meet this guy, who could have made Juliet’s “life perfect’. The time of the day was 11:30 AM and I found him drunk and sleeping with a girl in his shabby house in downtown North Carolina. Rupert at first, failed to recognize Juliet all together. On some gentle talking, he at last recognized her. I do not know what was more embarrassing- him remembering Juliet or his loud laugh after that. B*****. Juliet could have fallen into a bad companion. She had lost her sense of judgment. She kept meeting people like Rupert and that is what alerted my wife. My guess is Rupert told his like wise about her. It’s easy to track a girl who is willing to take off her dress. I hope she leaves cured from this place. On meeting Rupert, I felt frustrated- I felt betrayed somehow, probably more from God than Juliet. I felt I had to give this case to my seniors- it was not meant for me. I was getting emotional about treating her. Treating a girl who had taken two years to come close to me. I am talking of a girl who was religious about her Sunday classes. I am talking about a girl who would give food to the poor every night and woolens every winter. I am talking of the girl who forbids a friend from abortion. I am talking of a girl who gave her friend courage to fight. I am talking of the girl who showed the career that I wanted to choose. I am talking of a girl whom I had loved once and I still do. Reading her letters made me weak. It made me cry silent tears in my shed where I was “diagnosing” the letters. Here is another extract- “Dear Mark, “There was the full moon with scars uncountable Slowly coming to life on the fifteenth phase, There was the stream’s gentle flow, The rocks unseen that made the stream detour There was the flight of the bird that just learnt to soar There was me, That became the moon of the night fifteenth, The crystallized river that showed the water a path, There was me, The girl who flew high, Kissing the bad weather good bye! The reason for the moon to rise, The stream to flow and the bird to kiss goodbye, Was the angel that she met when in the sky with the moon! In the land with the straight flow of the stream, And the bird that wanted to see where the twisting stream end. The angel could have been an angel of the God, The angel could have been the person the person I loved before But the angel was no one but you!! ……………………………………….. **The grasses would have dried if it did not get the new rays of sun each day** I am looking forward to meeting you in this fall. Your’s only, Juliet. This letter was written to Juliet’s fiancé. Mark came that fall to get engaged to Juliet and they were about to get married by the summer next year. I remember my wife telling me about this and how excited Juliet was about the summer. Juliet felt, she had met her man. However, eventually, Mark came to know about Juliet’s disease and broke the engagement. She tried to commit suicide. That was when my wife got to know about Juliet’s disease and told me. She still blames herself for what happened to Juliet. It was the December 2006- three years of our going strong. I was about to achieve my doctor’s degree. I was about to propose to Juliet- my Juliet in Christmas. However, she had to go home to see her mom who was very ill that time. Christina- my wife, Juliet and I - a group off three, would always hang together. With my Juliet going to her mother’s place meant only Christina and me left for Christmas. We got drunk and in Juliet’s absence made love. I still have very hazy images of what happened that night and who’s fault it was and all that that takes to argue with your would be fiancé. I got Christina pregnant. Juliet did not give me the room to quarrel with her- did not give me the chance to say sorry. I told her of what had happened- I had to act as a man and let my lady know of the betrayal- before she heard from someone else. I did not know at that time I had Christina pregnant. Juliet was shocked but took the whole incident with a pinch of salt. She took Christina to the doctor and was told of the pregnancy. When earlier I told you, Juliet stopped her friend from abortion- I meant my wife Christina. Juliet reigned like a queen deciding my marriage with Christina, so that the baby could have a legal name. Christina and I obeyed to her decision. Juliet slowly faded away from our life… slowly and steadily not letting us know of her feelings of the loneliness that took control of her life. She went to India for a vacation and then never contacted us. She did not give us her contact id or any news of how she was. Gradually Juliet changed- her news drifting to us as gossip from friends. My marriage meant my family and kids. It meant keeping Juliet’s best friend happy. It meant to listen to Christina’s sobs in the night, but never having the courage to ask her in the morning why she cried. It meant a lot of things that I cannot tell. It meant something more than Juliet-“Juliet became the third most important thing in my life”- after my family and career in that order of sequence. It made me turn back to the December-2006. It made me go to the trunk that I treasure most for it had the small gifts from Juliet that I could never return. It made me go back to the letter that I had written to Juliet- when she was at her mother’s place but never had the courage to give her. It was the letter that gave this man a chance to cry at times when frustrated from life- when frustrated with showing “ your love and comfort” to your wife whom you don’t love- just for your best friend’s sake. The letter read: - ** The tears of man come out when they are whipped hard! ** “ Hi Juliet, How do you ask me to marry Christina? I am sorry for what happened and I don’t need to explain myself to you. However, how can I marry the person I do not love and see you sit with us through the knot that I tie with Christina? I am ready to take the child from Christina but I can only marry you Juliet- only you. You are my life, how can you be so harsh on me. Would you not give a second chance- would you not give me a chance to love you? Juliet- I said yes to what you told me. Your stern and fixed actions did not give me much scope – I had to accept what came my way. What about you Juliet? How can you not think twice about the decision? What would you do without me? How can you sit through- when I get married to Christina. How will you smile to the world? How will you smile to me? How will you walk in the street without me Juliet? Have you thought of all these? Juliet- I am in a place now where I cannot say I love you though it pricks my heart away from you. My breath is taken away Juliet- I will be a man living with the lady I never loved. I will be the man facing you – the lady I loved in the opposite chair with someone else’s hand on mine…Juliet have you ever imagined how the three of us will ever have the next meal together? How can you ask me to marry Christina, Juliet? How can you? Can we not think of some other option- something else that would keep all of us happy? Juliet- please! ……………….. I cannot read anymore. I cannot fight. God gave me someone at least to hold through all these- a friend at least. However, Juliet- how did she fight? She left me to marry someone I do not love- she left me all together! Juliet’s sternness, her confidence in what she was doing left me shaken. At times, I thought she did not love me enough and hence she could push me to anyone else. Her friend became more important to her than me. She had become rigid- a person I had not met before- she left me shattered. I planned to give her this letter now- at least I will stand explained. I will give her this letter now! Juliet gave me a letter as well. I presume it to be a love letter. I cannot open this letter- I cannot be just another person she has given a letter to. It cannot be just any letter-just some lines from her to let me know of the love that she shared with ten other people. I cannot be just that person in her life. O God! How do I hate her now? How do I cure her to show her only my love- the love that holds me true? Well, I took the courage to open the letter- more from curiosity of what she wrote, than any expectation. I hated her for this. “Hi Archie, How are you? You thought I had forgotten you after so many years? You thought I survived the many blows without you. I did then; I could survive, forgetting you forgetting the many promised things that could have been mine. I have forgotten you Archie- that was my past that I have outgrown. O god! Why did I open this letter? I cannot read it any further- I was about to close the letter when something struck me; I opened the letter again, to complete the reading. To help me ‘diagnose” her case. I fought with me to be the admired doctor of my wife- to be a true professional. I saw you torn between the love of Christina and my silence. I saw it through the days when I prepared for you wedding. Christina loved you from before me- she always did.. She was brave to hold on to her emotions but when she heard of you planning to propose to me- she could not hold herself and made love to you that night. She was drunk and so were you. She told me all these the day you told me of your lovemaking. Neither of you could lie to me. Could you? You had your reason to tell me and for Christina it was her responsibility. Did any of you think what I would do knowing this- a girl who was God fearing? A girl who always sort for corrections- I was left with no option but to get you married to Christina. I know you. You would have thought why can’t Juliet marry me and we can grow Christina’s child together. It would be easy for you to say that. But for Christina and me- after I knew of her love for you. After Christina having a feel of your body, going through the nine months of pregnancy on one side and seeing us happily married on the other- I know her. She would not have been able to survive this blow. She would have fallen- one of us had to fall because of one night- one night that changed our destiny. I chose to be the person- I needed to be alone. I needed to fight my hatred for you and love you over that. But trust me it was not my hatred that made me ask you to marry Christina. It was my sense of right and wrong- probably something I don’t carry any longer. I had to see a happy family between Christina, your child and you – Archie. I did what I thought was right and neither of you stopped me in any of what I said then. There were times, when I thought how could you listen to what I said- did you for a fraction like Christina to accept the decision of marrying her without a question asked. But I left that thought. I became claustrophobic seeing Christina and you together. I could only think at that time “three is a crowd”. I had to let go of you and pursuit my life. But Archie, trust me I could not love anyone else- initially I tried, tried to forget you through my first **To guess what is in other’s mind is more difficult than justifying your own actions** relationship after leaving all of you. I met a very nice guy. However, in my mind I sat to compare between my new boy friend and you. It obviously did not last. The second time also, I tried to find you in my new relationship. Then I just let go; I just let myself enjoy the physical relationships I was getting into. I realized I needed help. Many doctors treated me- many cured me for a time being, many gave up hope. They thought I enjoyed what I was getting into. Trust me, I hate myself. I feel like being a s*** -a lady who has traveled far from God. I feel that the next time, I will find my perfect love and I try my best to be in that relationship. Either I get into the relationship overtly, or I become aloof. I need help. I need to love myself again Archie? Can you help me- I try to find for the perfect love that you showed me in every relationship that I get into? Can you take me out of it? Please Archie. You thought I would write a love letter to you. But I can’t, can I Archie? You would have hated me if I did-I did not want to. I know what it feels to hate the person you love- I do not want you to tread the path that I treaded after knowing about you. I just want you to cure me and then trust me I will go away from your life- away from the dignified silence that you hold dear. Love, Juliet O Juliet – how could you say this? Walk away from me after coming back after all these years. Yes Juliet I still love you. Thinking all these I ran towards Juliet’s room to see my wife- Christina sitting with Juliet and weeping. I stood still over hearing their conversation. Christina apologized for what happened. She said she felt the vacuum in me after Juliet had left- as if someone had boxed all the air out of me. It is true- but I never realized Christina could see my feeling- see it so transparently. Christina told the silent, in tears Juliet of her soul’s plight-of the plight that made her have her second child. She thought amidst the new child I would forget Juliet and love Christina. I thought I would myself- but it never happened. I gave my full to the relationship made by Juliet’s hand but it did not succeed. I turned out to be a bad actor- the hero who made himself a comedian in this entire plot of Juliet- yes I see this girl to be a plot maker- a girl who changed three life’s for the want of one happiness. I could not stand any longer making me the cartoon- the man with so much of importance!! I walked past Christina and went straight to Juliet to see the letter I had given in her shaking hand and tears in her eyes. I expected her to hug me after all these years. But she froze- turned away from me- looking at the world as if trying to hide the expressive eyes that I always loved. It would have been so clear to me what she felt if I had seen her eyes then. She could not hide her suppressed feeling though she cleverly hid her eyes. I took her hands- it was the same soft hands that I had left. I turned her face towards me- it was the same small face flushed by all the emotions that came into her. It was the face I had ** Life rotates in a full cycle giving you a chance to meet your truth again** imagined loving while in bed with Christina. Seeing me, she could not hold back her tears that came gushing out. She asked me a question then that I will never forget-she asked,” Is it okay to hug you- Archie? Can I hug him Christina?.” I could not help but take her in my arms and kiss my solitude goodbye. I walked the aisle I had imagined while giving her the kiss that I held for her. I waited for this day. That was when I thought she is not crazy- she is not what the world had defined her to be. She had to be in her senses to ask this question- she a girl whom I had left to take her dress of to any person she met. I took the responsibility that I had to years before. I took her in my arms again! ** It’s better to love the girl who became crazy for you than staying in an enacted perfect world**     PAGE  PAGE 1