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Marriages are made in heaven, hell or Earth
HARISH DIDO | 21 Jul 2017

Who says, marriages are made in heaven? And if it is so, why certain people are falling victim to its drawbacks on this planet Earth?

Marriage is said to be a sacred union but its natural base is of physical relations between the opposite sexes, given a legal name of marriage, by the society.

Almost every marriage starts out as a huge celebrations and each couple is full of hopes and dreams for their future life together. But the road to a happy marriage is far from easy and many couples prefer not to complete this journey.

With the passage of time, marriages within the caste, nearest relations and out of caste become common. At the same time, certain rigid communities have banned the marriages within the same gotra – caste.

When I joined the Counseling Cell about 17 years back, the priority of the dispute was dowry, ego, misunderstanding, extra marital relations, addiction, property dispute and over number of petty issues like differences between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It would be easy to blame our high rate of marital failure on things like not spending enough quality time together, allowing bitterness and resentment to build in our hearts and failing to keep communication lines open.

Once there was a case of dispute between the couple married without the consent of parents of both the parents of the girl. The boy had fallen in love while serving at one station in the same department. The boy was the only son and one sister, of serving couple.  Being the only son, he was groomed in the family traditions but with values of an aristocratic family. He was short-heighted, intelligent promising and full of confidence. He loved life and wanted to live it well.  She was an extra ordinary beautiful girl, always gracious and stylishly dressed and had a sparkling sense of humour.  She too was attracted and soon the bond became deeper.

I used to meet both of them off and on and they were quite frank in talking even before me but hardly had they said, I love you very much to each other.  They used to smile and ignore it.

After the marriage, they started living married life separately from the parents. They boy used to meet his parents occasionally but the girl's parents have ignored both. In the initial months of their marriage, they enjoyed being together, visiting places and partying with close friends and relatives except parents.

Due to rush of work at place, the boy used to come late at home. She would often call him at his office and float a number of questions like – What are you doing? With whom are you at present? I am feeling lovely and bored, when are you coming back home? In fact, she becomes a suspicious nature lady. She started checking mobile calls on his mobile, kept an eye on him whenever he used his social media networks and resented the time he spent with his family and friends.

Both were shifted to some other station and I was not in contact with them for a long time.

Since he started distancing himself from his friends, I however, came to know from one of his another friend that they had a dispute over certain issues and living separately.

I was also told that he tried to keep the family atmosphere happy and peaceful. But her wife wanted to dominate him and impose her own living style on him. At long last, he realised that he had lost his much-cherished freedom. For quite some time, they had lived a fractured life continuing to live a miserable life.  

However, on one fine morning after a gap of three years, when I had gone to the Counseling Cell, I saw both of them standing outside separately but none was with them.  They were stunned to see me there as if I have been informed of their moving of application for easy separation through the women cell.  On my asking, the boy said, we have decided to break the love marriage and the reason behind the suspicious nature of my better-half - I still say her.

On listening to both of them, I concluded that the girl was not at all interested for divorce as this action will left her to live hearty zest for life and may not lead her to live miserable life.

The dispute is only of ego at the level of the girl. Even then the girl was adamant for rehabilitation. The excessive possessiveness killed a budding conjugal relationship before it could mature into a lasting equation.  I along with my colleagues did their counselling by sharing with them our experience. I told, in marriage, each partner is to be an encourage rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than collector of hurts, an enabler than a reformer.

But only once sentence of the girl to the boy changed their life and they withdraw the application without taking any action on it.

Frankly speaking, I was stunned to hear during my counselling career what she said, "I have one brother and my husband has one sister, let both be married and live for some time and I will opt for divorce".

For a moment, I could make out that the marriages are not made on heaven or hell but on earth.  It is you and your partner can decide whether to make a marriage a heaven or a hell but these are definitely decided in a four-wall home with a roof by living happily.

But when the re-united coupled asked me the secret of our long marriage, I said in a lighter way - we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week over a little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing? She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.